MANY CHURCHES BULLY SURVIVORS INTO RECONCILING WITH PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO REPENT AND CHANGE

By Pastor Joel – Open Heaven Christian Church – Fisher, Arkansas

There is a serious problem in many churches today that deserves considerably more attention: the misuse of Scripture, forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation to silence survivors of abuse while allowing those responsible for the abuse to escape accountability. What makes this particularly disturbing is that some of the very people who claim to represent Christ are using His Word to pressure wounded people into maintaining relationships with individuals who have demonstrated little or no genuine repentance, remorse, love, compassion, or willingness to change.

Before examining this problem, we need to consider something very important about the ministry of Jesus Christ. Jesus did not remain silent when religious leaders abused their spiritual authority, demonstrated a lack of compassion, or placed religious expectations above the well-being of people. He confronted them boldly. He exposed their hypocrisy and challenged the condition of their hearts.

In John 5:42 (KJV), Jesus said to the religious leaders:

“But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you.”

Think about the significance of those words. These were religious leaders who knew the Scriptures, occupied positions of religious authority, and considered themselves knowledgeable about the things of God. Yet Jesus confronted the condition of their hearts and told them plainly that they did not have the love of God in them.

Why? Because religious knowledge, religious titles, and outward displays of spirituality do not necessarily mean someone possesses the love, compassion, mercy, and character of God.

The religious leaders Jesus confronted were more concerned with their religious traditions, positions, and authority than with demonstrating the heart of God toward people. They could place burdens upon others while failing to recognize their own spiritual condition. Jesus exposed this hypocrisy rather than accommodating it.

And Jesus did not respond to their conduct by pretending everything was acceptable, offering an apology on their behalf, or telling those they mistreated that they simply needed to reconcile with them.

In John 8:21–24, Jesus continued confronting these religious leaders, warning them that they would die in their sins if they did not believe that He was the Christ.

John 8:24 (KJV) says:

“I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins.”

These are serious words. Jesus was not compromising the truth to preserve a relationship with people who were rejecting Him and His message to love one another. He confronted their spiritual condition and warned them about the consequences of their unbelief.

There is an important lesson here for the modern Church: Jesus never confused religious authority with righteousness, religious knowledge with love, or outward appearances with genuine spiritual transformation.

We must be careful not to make blanket judgments about every Pharisee because some repented and believed the words of Jesus, but we must recognize that Jesus repeatedly confronted religious leaders whose conduct contradicted the very things they claimed to represent.

The same principle applies today.

What makes this particularly troubling is when churches preach forgiveness to survivors of abuse while failing to preach repentance, accountability, and genuine change to those who have inflicted the wounds.

It is a form of spiritual manipulation that can inflict additional emotional, psychological, and spiritual wounds on people who are already suffering.

Let’s examine this more deeply.

1. WHEN FORGIVENESS BECOMES A WEAPON AGAINST THE WOUNDED

Forgiveness is a fundamental teaching of Christianity. Jesus taught His followers to forgive, and Scripture repeatedly emphasizes the importance of extending mercy to others.

However, there is a significant difference between teaching someone to forgive and demanding that someone return to a relationship in which they have been abused, mistreated, manipulated, or repeatedly harmed.

Some churches have developed an unhealthy pattern of what forgiveness is:

• Someone speaks about abuse or mistreatment.

• They are immediately reminded that Christians must forgive.

• When they explain that they are not comfortable restoring the relationship, they are accused of holding grudges, blaming the victim of the abuse, and not the offenders which caused the abuse.

• When they establish boundaries, they are accused of being unforgiving.

• When they refuse further contact, they are told they are allowing the enemy to create division.

• When they protect themselves, they are accused of disobeying God.

• This is spiritual abuse, not the ministry of the gospel.

Think about what is happening here.

The survivor is being placed under spiritual examination while the conduct of the person responsible for the damage is being overlooked.

Instead of asking the person who caused the suffering so they can tell them to repent, the Church begins questioning the spiritual condition of the wounded and abused person who suffered.

This can become a form of spiritual bullying.

Forgiveness should never become a religious instrument for forcing someone to tolerate continued mistreatment.

2. FORGIVENESS AND RECONCILIATION ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS

This is one of the most important distinctions Christians need to understand.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not interchangeable.

Forgiveness involves releasing personal vengeance and refusing to allow hatred to govern one’s heart.

Reconciliation involves the restoration of a relationship between people.

While forgiveness can be offered by one person, reconciliation requires participation from both people.

Consider this:

A person can forgive someone who abused them without allowing that person back into their life.

A person can pray for someone who mistreated them without maintaining contact.

A person can release resentment without restoring trust.

A person can genuinely wish someone well while recognizing that continued association with them would be harmful.

These positions are not automatically evidence of bitterness, hatred, or rebellion against God.

Romans 12:18 (KJV) says:

“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”

Notice something important about this Scripture: it says, “If it be possible.”

God’s Word recognizes that peaceful relationships are not always possible, particularly when another person refuses to cooperate or repent of their behaviors.

You cannot single-handedly restore a relationship with someone who continually refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing.

You cannot manufacture repentance in another person’s heart. That is between them and God.

And you cannot rebuild trust with someone who continues destroying it.

3. WHERE IS THE DEMAND FOR REPENTANCE?

This is where the Church and it’s leadership must begin examining its own behavior.

Why is there sometimes so much emphasis placed on the survivor forgiving, but so little emphasis placed on the offender repenting?

Why do some church leaders become so concerned about restoring relationships that they neglect the biblical responsibility to confront wrongdoing?

Repentance is not simply saying, “I’m sorry.”

Repentance involves a genuine change of heart that produces a change in conduct.

John the Baptist said in Matthew 3:8 (KJV):

“Bring forth therefore fruits meet for repentance.”

In other words, repentance should produce evidence of complete change. If the person has completely changed, and their behavior has not STOPPED, then the person has not truly repented.

Consider the biblical expectations:

• Acknowledge wrongdoing rather than deny it.

• Stop making excuses for harmful behavior.

• Take responsibility without blaming the person who was harmed.

• Demonstrate genuine remorse.

• Make appropriate restitution where possible.

• Change the behavior that caused the damage.

• Accept the consequences of one’s own actions and behaviors.

Look at the example of Zacchaeus in Luke 19:8. His response to encountering Jesus included a willingness to make restitution for the wrongs he had committed.

His repentance was demonstrated through his actions, not mere words of I’m sorry.

Yet sometimes, in church environments, a person can repeatedly hurt others, offer a superficial apology, and expect immediate restoration of trust simply because they claim to be a Christian.

That is not biblical accountability.

Grace does not eliminate responsibility, and forgiveness does not eliminate consequences.

4. THE MISUSE OF MATTHEW 18 TO SILENCE VICTIMS

Matthew 18:15-17 is frequently referenced when discussing conflict between believers.

Jesus teaches about confronting a brother who has sinned.

However, this passage should never be twisted into a weapon against someone reporting that they have been abused by the actions of another.

There is a difference between an ordinary disagreement between two believers and a situation involving abuse, intimidation, coercion, threats, or ongoing mistreatment.

Toxic behaviors are harmful and must be confronted with one word – REPENT.

A survivor should never be pressured into confronting an abuser alone, participating in an unsafe mediation, or submitting to a process that exposes them to further harm.

Church leadership should never use Matthew 18 as an excuse to conceal a persons wrongdoing or prevent people from seeking outside assistance.

Furthermore, the passage does not give offenders permission to demand access to the people they have harmed. This is further from the truth, the person who has been abused and hurt must always be protected from their abuser.

5. CALLING BOUNDARIES BITTERNESS IS ANOTHER FORM OF MANIPULATION

One of the most damaging things that can happen to a survivor is having their protective boundaries reinterpreted as spiritual shortcomings.

Consider the accusations:

• “You need to get over it.”

• “You are holding on to unforgiveness.”

• “You are allowing bitterness into your heart.”

• “You are creating division in the body of Christ.”

• “You need to show them the love of Jesus.”

• “You are not walking in grace.”

• “God wants you to reconcile.”

But what if the person establishing boundaries has already forgiven?

What if they have prayed, cried, sought God, and genuinely released their desire for revenge?

What if they simply recognize that continuing the relationship would expose them to further harm?

Here is wisdom in Proverbs 22:3 (KJV) which says:

“A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.”

There is biblical wisdom in recognizing danger and taking appropriate measures to protect yourself.

Establishing boundaries is not necessarily an act of hostility. Sometimes it is an act of wisdom that comes from God.

Jesus Himself did not entrust Himself to everyone.

John 2:24 (KJV) says:

“But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men,”

Jesus loved people, but He did not give everyone unrestricted access to Himself.

That is an important distinction.

Love does not require the absence of discernment or wisdom.

6. SPIRITUAL LEADERS CAN BECOME ENABLERS OF ABUSE

Perhaps one of the most concerning aspects of this problem is when church leadership becomes more interested in preserving appearances than pursuing righteousness.

Some leaders fear conflict, division, damaged reputations, financial consequences, or losing influential members instead of ministering to the abused and hurting.

Consequently, they may pressure survivors to remain silent, forgive quickly, reconcile publicly, or stop discussing what happened. Then they tell them this is not “Christ-like” and must submit to the church and it’s spiritual covering and authority.

Sometimes the offender is a respected church member, ministry leader, family member, or someone who contributes financially.

The survivor, meanwhile, may be viewed as troublesome simply because they refuse to pretend everything is fine.

This creates a dangerous imbalance and not biblical.

The Church becomes more concerned about maintaining an appearance of unity than addressing the behavior that destroyed the unity in the first place.

But biblical unity cannot be built upon concealed wrongdoing.

Ephesians 5:11 (KJV) says:

“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.”

The Church is not called to protect wrongdoing because exposing it might be uncomfortable.

It is called to walk in truth.

A church that protects the reputation of an offender while neglecting the suffering of a survivor has seriously misunderstood its responsibilities. This type of conduct in a church is spiritual manipulation on behalf of it’s leaders.

7. GOD DOES NOT REQUIRE SURVIVORS TO RESTORE TRUST WITHOUT EVIDENCE OF CHANGE

Trust is not something another person is automatically entitled to receive simply because they apologize.

Trust is developed through consistent conduct over time.

Someone who has repeatedly lied cannot reasonably demand immediate trust.

Someone who has repeatedly manipulated others cannot demand unrestricted access.

Someone who has repeatedly abused another person cannot insist that the survivor demonstrate Christian love by returning to the same circumstances.

Consider Luke 17:3 (KJV):

“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.”

Notice that Jesus specifically addresses repentance.

This is not a teaching that excuses wrongdoing or requires someone to ignore an offender’s behavior.

Repentance matters.

And genuine repentance should not be confused with an emotional apology designed to regain access to someone.

A person can say all the right things while continuing to demonstrate the same destructive behavior.

The fruit of repentance must be examined.

8. THE FORGOTTEN RESPONSIBILITY OF THE CHURCH: PROTECTING THE VULNERABLE

The Church should be a place where people can seek spiritual encouragement, comfort, guidance, and protection.

It should never become another environment in which wounded people are forced to defend themselves against religious intimidation.

Consider what Scripture says in Isaiah 1:17 (KJV):

“Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.”

Notice the emphasis.

God calls His people to seek justice and relieve the oppressed.

The responsibility of the Church is not simply to tell suffering people to endure their circumstances.

It is also to confront oppression and wrongdoing.

Church leaders should be willing to ask difficult questions:

• Has the offender acknowledged what happened?

• Has the harmful behavior stopped?

• Has there been genuine repentance?

• Is the survivor safe?

• Are we protecting the vulnerable or protecting someone’s reputation?

• Are we applying Scripture equally to everyone involved?

If a church only preaches forgiveness to the wounded but never preaches repentance to those who wound others, something is spiritually out of balance and places the abused in a position to be hurt again by the unrepentant person who caused the abuse.

9. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIBLICAL PEACE AND MANUFACTURED PEACE

There is another important issue here: the difference between genuine peace and the appearance of peace.

Some people want reconciliation because they genuinely desire restoration.

Others want reconciliation because they do not want to face the consequences of their behavior.

Some want everyone sitting together in church again, smiling, shaking hands, and pretending nothing has happened.

But outward appearances do not establish inward healing.

You can put two people in the same room and still have unresolved wrongdoing.

You can have a public apology without private and genuine repentance.

You can have a church service filled with worship while someone in the congregation is privately suffering and in pain because they have been pressured to remain silent.

That is not necessarily peace.

Sometimes it is simply the suppression of truth.

Biblical peace cannot be separated from righteousness and truth.

Psalm 85:10 (KJV) says:

“Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.”

Notice that mercy and truth belong together.

Mercy without truth can become an excuse for avoiding accountability.

And peace without righteousness can become nothing more than an arrangement in which the wounded are expected to remain quiet.

10. WHAT SHOULD THE CHURCH BE TEACHING INSTEAD?

The Church needs to restore a biblical balance in its teaching about forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, and accountability.

Here are some principles that deserve to be emphasized:

The Church should never make a survivor feel that protecting themselves is somehow an offense against God.

And it should never allow someone to use the name of Jesus as a means of escaping accountability for the harm they have caused.

CONCLUSION: STOP PREACHING FORGIVENESS TO THE WOUNDED WHILE IGNORING REPENTANCE IN THOSE WHO WOUND THEM

There is something deeply troubling about a Christian environment where the person who has been hurt is expected to demonstrate endless patience, mercy, understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation, while the person responsible for the damage is allowed to continue without meaningful accountability.

Why is the survivor of abuse expected to do all the spiritual work?

Why is the wounded person repeatedly reminded of what Jesus said about forgiveness, while the offender is not equally reminded of what Scripture says about repentance?

Why are boundaries interpreted as bitterness when they are sometimes necessary for someone’s protection?

And why does the urgency to quote Scripture suddenly become so intense when the survivor finally decides they cannot continue allowing someone to hurt them?

We must be careful not to confuse Christian compassion with enabling destructive evil behaviors of others.

Jesus taught forgiveness, but He also exposed hypocrisy, confronted wrongdoing, and called people to repentance.

He never instructed His followers to call evil good simply to preserve a relationship.

Churches must stop confusing silence with forgiveness, access with reconciliation, apologies with repentance, and the absence of accountability with grace.

A survivor can forgive someone and still choose never to have another conversation with them.

A survivor can pray for someone and still maintain distance.

A survivor can love someone as a fellow human being without allowing that person to occupy a place in their life where they can continue causing harm.

And none of those decisions automatically makes that survivor bitter, hateful, or disobedient to God.

Perhaps the question a Church needs to ask itself is not why a survivor refuses to reconcile, but what happened that made reconciliation impossible in the first place.

Before demanding that the wounded extend their hands in reconciliation, perhaps we should first ask whether the person who caused the wounds has ever genuinely repented.

Reconciliation may not always be possible.

Because the Gospel is not a license to mistreat people and then hide behind the forgiveness of Jesus.

It is a call to transformation.

And transformation should produce fruit.

God’s grace is not a shield for the unrepentant, and His Word should never be used as a weapon against those who are trying to heal from mistreatment and abuses.

Let us remember the words of Jesus in John 5:42:

“But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you.”

Religious appearances cannot substitute for the love of God. Religious authority cannot excuse cruelty. And religious language cannot turn the mistreatment of another human being into righteousness.

The Church must return to teaching the whole counsel of God, not merely the Scriptures that make it convenient for people to avoid accountability.

Stop demanding that survivors return to the people who wounded them while refusing to demand that those people repent of what they have done.

That is not biblical reconciliation. That is spiritual manipulation.

And it is time the Church recognized the difference.

If you have been abused or spiritually manipulated to submit to ungodly console that shifts the blame on you, know that God sees all the hurt in your heart and life and Jesus is the one who can and will bind up your wounds to heal you. Pray the following prayer to ask God to heal your brokenness.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father, I ask you to heal my broken heart, and heal all the wounds that have been inflicted on me by those who have not repented of doing evil. I ask you to bring them to a place of complete repentance. I thank you for showing me how toxic and harmful this person(s) are, and I thank you for your continued wisdom and protection from people with evil intentions to harm me. I ask you to restore my spirit, soul, and body and make me whole in Jesus name I pray. – Amen.